Intellectual puzzles
Our hearts have been with you.
A friend's grandmother once asked that my friend "remember her" to me. She was alive at the time and I was confused as to whether something were lost in translation (she was born in Germany) or whether I was missing something. It turns out I was missing something profound. Thanks to my friend, I remembered her in that moment and though she passed away not too long after, I remember her (to myself and to others) through this imparted wisdom and many other kindnesses she shared with me in our time together.
I remember Tagan in mental still frames and videos, in sound bites, and in a general feeling of lightness that seemed to accompany him and his presence. Kind of like a compassionate smirk that he shared with me occasionally indicating that the world was indeed a weird place and that it IS strange that we get to do such cool, exciting, and odd things as scientists. I want to share a few of those sentiments with you, Tanya, and with your beautiful kids to remember Tagan to you and us all. So here goes:
Tagan and I were graduate students at the same time at UPENN - he in Cell and Molecular Biology, I in Neuroscience. Tanya was in the Neuroscience program too and she and Tagan had the same advisor - John Wolf. I knew Tanya quite well at the time - her infectious bubbliness, her warm care and compassion, her amazing talent as an educator, her ability to slip into her mother's accent from the otherwise casual lilt and cadence of speech. Tanya was, and is, a great person and friend. When I look back, I only had glimpses of Tagan - long fiery red hair - a somewhat brooding demeanor as he strode, backpack low in front of the BRB Au Bon Pain. I remember thinking - whoa that guy's serious and was a bit surprised to hear that he and Tanya were dating. I was clearly off base - and should've trusted even more in Tanya's wisdom.
When I moved to do my postdoc at Stanford, Tanya was already there, and she welcomed me to a new coast where I knew few people and was really questioning my choice to continue on in academic research. This is where I got to know Tagan in rolling videos, what a character. Early in my time in the Bay, my wife Jenny and I went to the house that Tanya, Tagan, and Karthik were renting with one of Tagan's childhood friends. I learned that Tagan was working at UCSF with a Nobel laureate for an advisor and basically was running his own small company. We sat on a big sectional they had and he told me about how he was building new iPSC lines and ordering transgenic mice, and that there were so many awesome experiments he was doing. I realized that what I had interpreted as "brooding" over the years was an intense curiosity. Tagan's brilliant. He had so many ideas and intellectual puzzles flying through his head at all times and he was so generous in sharing that passion.
On that note, I remember asking to have coffee to talk to him a bit about my work at Stanford, and pitch an idea that I wanted to translate to mice. We sat outside on the street in front of a cafe in Redwood City and he nodded along as I told him about a genetic tool that I had developed for flies - he took it all in, nodded along, understanding all the way though it was somewhat outside his field. He asked really thoughtful questions and did his best to help, though he must've known early in the conversation that he wouldn't need the tool for his work. We also cracked jokes about lab culture and the pyramid scheme of academic training. There was a great deal of levity to it all. I left feeling like what I was doing was worthwhile and cool and that Tagan really complimented Tanya with his quieter countenance, but equally strong spirit.
I have another memory in which I was going through a fairly dark period with my research at Stanford and Jenny and I were struggling a bit having our first child (Oliver, now 3). We met Tanya and Tagan for a pizza picnic on main street in Palo Alto, and they strolled up with Bodhi, who must've been ~6mo. old. New parents, relatively far from their families, they both had that weary look that makes sense in such a situation. But their fatigue quickly turned to compassion as I talked about how much I was questioning moving out to California for the postdoc and Jenny and I noted our fears around having kids. They listened attentively and Tanya and I commiserated over whether we should pursue science. They shared the challenges of parenting and encouraged Jenny and I when we needed it most. While I know Tagan understood that people could not like doing scientific research, I also know he was so happy doing it, and yet he shared in my struggles. In a moment where Jenny and Tanya were discussing motherhood, I looked over and saw him looking at Bodhi. The smile on his face was pure delight in his beautiful son and I built up hope that I could one day transcend my science related anxiety and just revel in being a dad like Tagan. I'm there now and thank him for providing a window into the light of fatherhood.
On another occasion, our friend Amy had come to town and we met her, Tanya, Tagan, and Bodhi at a cafe for brunch near their place. Bodhi must've been around 2 1/2, and he was running all over the place - maybe he was fueled up from a full plate of sweet potato fries? The place had a gorgeous garden and Bodhi had zero interest in sitting still and chatting. He wanted to explore. Initially, Tagan tried to scoop Bodhi up and box him in, but Bodhi is wiley and soon, escaping became the game itself. I have seen several parents respond poorly to this "game" - getting increasingly self aware, uncomfortable, and frustrated with their child (I've recently faced internal turmoil in this regard myself). Amazingly, Tagan rolled with the flow, adapting and inserting his own shenanigans until he and Bodhi were both off deep in the garden, playing hide and seek. It was as if that was the whole goal all along and "brunch" was a simple backdrop. What a marvel and a model that I try to follow to this day.
More recently, Jenny and I moved back to the East coast and haven't been in touch as regularly. We still held Tanya, Tagan, and Bodhi in our hearts as dear friends, but the opportunities to connect were fewer and further between. Everyone was generally busy, but I was elated to learn that Sophia was coming, and only a few months before our 2nd (Louisa, 6mo.). When Tanya texted me with the info, I was overjoyed, and noted that at that moment, Oliver was wearing a pair of Bodhi's old tennis shoes (Oliver has a special name for these shoes) - and in many ways we were literally walking the same path. I thought of Tagan and congratulated him. He sent me back a goofy text and we were on our way to the exponential increase in parenting that comes in having a second. He made me feel like we were in it together.
These memories make me so happy. I'm profoundly sad that I won't have the opportunity to make more with Tagan in his physical form. The silver lining is that the lessons he taught me and that we learned together, with Tanya, Jenny, and our children are gifts that keep giving. I remember them and him to myself and the world and that enables new experiences and memories. What a gift. Thank you Tagan. Thank you Tanya and Bodhi and Sophia. We love you.
Jesse, Jenny, Oliver, and Louisa
To contribute a page to the memory book, email your words and/or photos to taganmemorybook@gmail.com
